How to Sing the Blues

by Lame Mango Washington
  1. Most blues begin:

    Woke up this morning.

  2. I got a good woman...  is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:

    I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.

  3. The blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:

    Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
    He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weigh 500 pounds.

  4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
  5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
  6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Hamilton Ont. or Vancouver B.C. Hard times in Saskatchewan or Nova Scotia is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
  8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    1. violet
    2. beige
    3. mauve
  9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong.
  10. Good places for the blues:
    1. the highway
    2. the jailhouse
    3. an empty bed

    Bad places:

    1. Ashrams
    2. gallery openings
    3. weekend in Muskoka
  11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
  12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes, if:
    1. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
    2. you're blind
    3. you shot a man in Memphis
    4. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:

    1. you were once blind but now can see
    2. you're deaf
    3. you have a trust fund
  13. Neither Celine Dion nor Anne Murray can sing the blues.
  14. If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    1. wine
    2. Irish whiskey
    3. muddy water

    The following are NOT blues beverages:

    1. any mixed drink
    2. any wine kosher for Passover
    3. Snapple (all flavors)
  15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
  16. Some blues names for women:
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
  17. Some blues names for men:
    1. Joe
    2. Willie
    3. Little Willie
    4. Big Willie
    5. Lightning
  18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  19. Other blues names (starter kit):
    1. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
    2. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    3. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

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